Foster Caring: The Benefits of Making It a Family Affair

Just starting out as a foster carer or fairly new in the world of foster caring? Want to know some of the benefits of involving your whole family in your fostering adventure? If so, you’ll find some helpful tips on how and why to make it a family affair.

Do you take your family for granted? It’s so easy at times to take for granted how important your family is to you, isn’t it?

Good old Mum, good old Dad, dear old Uncle Jack. Auntie Jane will have the dog, Grandma will fetch you from school, staying with your cousins will be fun, and we’ll all get together for Christmas, Eid, Diwali, or Hanukkah.

We all do it, rely on extended family, love them, laugh at them and with them, lap up that cosy feeling of belonging.

What’s Your Family Ever Done for You?

So who watched you perform in that school play or clapped enthusiastically when you sang out of tune at the end of term concert? Who did you turn to when your son became ill? Who did you phone first when you got your grades and which grandparent could you go to when ‘nobody else seemed to understand’?

It’s great to feel you belong to an extended family. It gives you choice, encouragement, sympathy, and support. It helps you to grow in confidence and self-esteem and picks you up when you fall.

Remember that time as a child when you ‘hated’ your dad for being too strict? Grandad took you out for the day and got you talking. Together you decided dad wasn’t so bad after all, just not as good as Grandad at explaining things (and buying the odd McDonald! or other treats.)

Just Try Life Without Them!

Next time a crisis strikes or a worrying situation begins to overwhelm you, imagine how you’d cope if you were entirely alone.

How would you make a difficult decision without a family member to guide you? What if there was no-one to share your successes or listen when things didn’t work out?

A Handful of Ways You Can Involve Your Family

As a foster carer, it’s up to you to help your foster children to have a sense of belonging. Involving your extended family in the care you’re giving will help to normalise their experience.

Valuable Allies

Ever heard of Attachment and the Secure Base Model? Think of your extended family as a valuable ally in reinforcing this. Value them, look at their strengths, interests, and skills. Everyone is an expert in something

Talk about your extended family members to your child and vice-versa. (Being professional about it, of course.) You don’t have to start telling uncle Jack every last detail about your foster child’s traumatic childhood experiences. But you could tell family members about their school achievements or any sporting events they’ve entered.

Birthdays

If you’re planning a birthday celebration for your foster child, invite your family, (all age groups) suggest ideas for appropriate presents and encourage everyone to give them a card (even better a hand-made one). Perhaps birthday cards could be put in the post for younger children as this also reinforces their sense of belonging.

Rituals and Routines

Include your child in family rituals. Tell them how they came about (if you can remember!) and highlight the ones where they can feature somehow.

Hobbies

Allow a responsible family member to take your child to a match, an activity such as horse riding, golf or swimming, or a special interest club or group. Maybe you can engage your foster child involved in a sport or activity that one of your relatives is already involved in.

Photos

Put their photos in a family album, send their school pictures to your close relatives, and display pictures of you and them in your home. All within the confines of what’s acceptable with your child’s local authority guidelines, of course!

Inclusion

Remind family to include your child by name on invitations, in emails and other exchanges. It can be very hurtful to be left out. If your own children live with you, wherever possible, try to have the same routine for your foster child as you do for them.

News

Keep your foster child informed about bits of news within your family, plans you’re making, or events that are coming up. This is another thing that will make your child feel included and help to promote placement stability.

Visiting

Holiday

Consider a holiday with extended family members included. Talk to your child about holiday destinations you might visit with special memories. You might want to consider going somewhere that is special to the child you foster.

Don’t Overlook Grandparents – Make Use of Them

As in any family, older members can help out and share the load when you’re rushed, tired or caught up in visits with professionals involved in your child’s care. Ask advice from them and let them pass on the wisdom of age. It can be a significant way of drawing them into the new relationship forming with your child.

A ‘foster’ grandparent can act as a comforting buffer between you and your child! As someone who’s seeing things at a little distance, he or she can throw a helpful perspective on a situation.

How to Encourage the Relationship Model

Allow time and space for your child to relate to other family members. Don’t be possessive – children can get different things from different people. Support them in this. If they choose to talk about their natural parents or past home-life to another family member, don’t begrudge this sharing of confidences. Be happy for their ability to trust.

Want to Get Some Back-Up for Your Foster Caring Technique?

Fostering children can often present challenges, and there’s an ongoing need to fine-tune your approach. Try to nurture openness within your family unit and welcome honest feedback about your foster caring approach. Enlist the help of relatives in supporting your technique and when they judge it appropriate to intervene, arbitrate or just give a hug!

How to Have a ‘Breather’ Without Feeling Guilty

Don’t feel you have to be ‘on duty’ 100% of the time. Remember others can make a meaningful contribution. Allow visits to trusted family members and have a definite arrangement for their return., making sure that contact numbers are carefully noted. Take the opportunity of recharging your batteries, and you’ll be able to return to your role refreshed and relaxed.

Five Ways of S-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g the Love

Share family meals at home, at relatives houses, and by going out to eat.
Arrange family outings where extended family come too.
Let your child know how close you feel to family members, and why.
Find a common interest or focus which brings the family together in an unself-conscious way.
Be generous with well deserved verbal praise and where appropriate, encourage the family to reciprocate demonstrative shows of affection coming from your child.

These days children grow up in a varied range of family situations. But these ways of conveying a feeling of love and family belonging extend to most.

Three Pitfalls to Avoid

Try not to make comparisons between your child and children in the extended family. See them as an individual part of your family in their own right, valuing them as they are.
Be careful not to treat your child as an interesting ‘case’ within the family circle.
Avoid talking to the family about confidential matters relating to your child’s background.

There will be times when you feel at the end of your tether. There might be days when you wish you had never decided to foster! There will be days when you feel you’re losing your identity in a muddle of mixed feelings, emotional tiredness, and disappointment with the progress you think you are making.

Accept Help

Learn to accept help and support. Talk things through with a professional you trust. Discuss enlisting the help of a responsible and sensitive family member. This might be an alternative to arranging official respite, though it must be discussed and approved of by your agency/local authority/social worker.

Recognising the Real Value of the Extended Family

All these strategies are vital facets of helping your child to feel part of your family, not just someone you happen to be looking after in place of their natural parents.

As you involve your extended family more and more through contact, shared interests, and everyday experiences, you will see your child relaxing into the security of family life. As with all families, it will have its rough edges and quirky aspects, but overall your child will benefit from the normalising effect of family interaction. What do you think about making foster caring a family affair?